How to reign in the desire to pile on the presents



It is so easy to go a little nuts when the holidays roll around... you pick up something here... you pick up something there.. and then you forget about half the stuff you bought already... and you forget the stuff you ordered online... you go into a store and see the toy display and change your whole game plan...

Sigh.

I don't remember how it came up in conversation, but a few years ago I got some advice from a fellow home schooling mom, Gail, about how to pare down the gifts and set the expectations to a more realistic level.  I've changed up the list somewhat to suit our kid's needs, but the premise remains the same.

Why was change necessary?



In years past, the kids have been spoiled.  Rotten.

You feel, as a parent, that if you don't have a humongous pile of presents for your children under the Christmas tree by Christmas Eve, you have failed.  Your children will hate you.  For years to come, they will sit on the couch in their therapist's office and lament at how stingy you were.

It's society's fault.  The commercials you see on T.V.  The displays in the stores.  The magazines and the websites.  They all show a disgusting amount of money being spent - all for a few moments of Hallmark Moment glory, before it disintegrates into "Where in the hell are we going to put all of this stuff??"  or "PUT AWAY YOUR @^#&$*% TOYS!!!"  All the while, your children are looking at you, completely bewildered, because they don't know exactly 'where' anything else can fit into the playroom.

So.  YES.  change was necessary.

Gail's list was simple, formulaic, and actually ingenious - because it took the craziness out of the season and gave you a concrete structure to go on.  Here is my version of the wish list that I go by...

Before Christmas...

1. An ornament.  Every child gets an ornament from us each year.  This is a family tradition that I grew up with, and I wanted to do it for my kids.  I keep a record of all the ornaments they either receive or make each year, so that they know when they got stuff.  When the time comes for them to leave home, they can take their ornaments and memories with them.  Makes me sad, but that is what I got to do at that age - and I love that I have all of those ornaments still on my tree, every Christmas.  The ornament, if possible, ties into what has captured the child's interest in the past year - a favorite character, activity, color, ect...  I do tend to splurge on this item.. in the past couple of years it has come from the Hallmark store (because, as a kid, mine did too...)  BUT.  Now that we are shopping for four - that means an easy $60 is dropped right there.  Ouch.

2. Advent goodies.  In the past I had three different Advent things that we do - this year we will have four, so each child takes a turn doing something different.  One is a felt calendar of a Christmas tree that has star-shaped buttons that mini-ornaments hang from.  The kids rotate turns hanging another ornament each day.  Another calendar is a wooden gingerbread house with numbered advent doors.  There is enough room to stuff four little chocolate candies in each compartment, or every few days or so I will put in dollar coins (I only fill the compartment early in the morning of the day of..).  The third is an advent candle that has the numbered days going down it - light it each day.  The final one is one I will start this year, if I can... - the Lego advent calendar.  I missed it last year because I hesitated and they sold out... not this year!!  Another advent thing to do is to use those little gauzy bags that you use at weddings or showers to put party favors in.  You can buy packages of them at craft stores for pretty cheap.  You fill up 24 bags with little trinkets, small toys, hair stuff or fun jewelry, coins or candy and then place them in a open-lid gift box.  Take out a bag a day.  My SIL did that for the kids about three years ago, and it was a BIG hit with the kids.  Another friend, Amanda, wraps up the family collection of Christmas story books every year, and each night, the kids take turns choosing one to unwrap and read.  No purchase necessary - except for the wrapping paper, which you can snag during end-of-season sales.

Christmas Eve..

• A new pair of pjs

Christmas Morning..

 (wrapped and under the tree)

• A book
• A game (sometimes this is a combined family gift)
• A toy
• A new outfit
• Something for art or crafting (model kit, paints, clay, playdoh)

(In the stocking)

• socks
• toothbrush and toothpaste
• nail polish, lip balm or hair accessories for Rylan
• body wash for Jordan
• Matchbox cars for Owen and Colin
• Candy
• DVD movie (if good deals are to be had...)

(From Santa)

• The one item they asked (begged) for the most, as long as the price is within reason

So... the list is set, and only ONE item per child per category is purchased.  I have, in the past, gone overboard stuffing the stockings with this and that and the other... the expense just goes through the roof.  I know exactly what I need and I make the best choices I can in each category - balancing needs vs. wants.  The biggest 'wow' factor is reserved for the Santa gift... leaving the magic exactly where it belongs.

Get out of the rut!



It's no secret that we are on a tight budget (especially since I've blabbed on and on about it on the www and even dedicated an entire blog to it...).  So it has become routine for family members to fill me in when this or that store is having a sale.  A big one came up recently, when my SIL called to say that Sears was putting a lot of their Land's End stuff on clearance. (thanks for thinking of me Michelle!)  I love Land's End!  I started doing calculations in my head.  Some of our clothing needs are critical... Jordan didn't get a new wardrobe last fall because everything still fit... now he has had a growth spurt and we are in trouble.  Same with Rylan.  The shirts still fit for the most part, but her pants are an issue.  And she has no winter coat.  And Jordan only has two pair of shoes: crocs and hiking boots.  That is a problem.   Thank goodness that Owen and Colin are just swimming in clothes - many, many thanks to some wonderful friends (Amanda and Dalliss) who have been frequently passing on clothing, coats and hiking boots to me - you are a godsend!!)

So I am doing the calculations: our needs are great.  But the money... hmm.  We sat down a month ago and planned out the next three paychecks.  We are really getting the swing of working the cashflow down to the penny.  Unplanned Halloween expenses (mainly food) threw a nasty twist into the budget, so I know there is no wiggle room.  We had set aside $100 from that cash flow to tackle the three biggest clothing concerns: a winter coat for Rylan, tennis shoes for Jordan and a pair of pants for Jordan.  When we plan out this month's two paychecks tonight at our budget meeting, we can see when we can put some more money aside for clothing.   

In the past, when I got wind of a big sale, I would just yank out the credit card in a flash and reap the rewards.  The savings!  The big haul!  LOOK at how much stuff we got for just $XX!!  Yes, I have taken advantage of many deals in the past.  And now the credit card company is taking advantage of my inability to show restraint.  To the tune of $460 a month in interest.

We went to our last Financial Peace University class last week.  We jumped in on the third class, so it has been ten weeks of some pretty intense learning.  I am sad the class is done.  It felt like a support group... like an AA meeting or something.  We could all commiserate about having to live on a budget.  I feel a little worried about not having the weekly support anymore, and that it might be easy to slip into some old habits.  The class is thirteen weeks for a reason: it takes that long to establish a habit.  We have gotten into the habit of not even considering the credit cards as an option.  If it is not on the budget sheet, we don't buy it.  I didn't budget extra money for clothes, therefore I did not go down to Sears to check out the sale.  I felt bad, but I didn't go because if I had spent that money, it would have meant that something else couldn't be purchased.  When the cash is gone, it's gone.  It is amazing though, how deeply entrenched that habit of using the credit card is.  That neural pathway of using the card as a way to acquire goods has been trodden down.  Much like the Oregon Trail.  You can still see the wagon wheel ruts.  The credit card ruts will remain for a long, long time.  Probably as long as it will take to pay off the stupid things.

Do I REALLY need you in my life?

We've all been there.  That moment in time when you came across something in a store that just called out to you.  Maybe it was the color.  Or the smell.  Or how it sparkled.  So you bought it.  You brought it home and it sat on the kitchen counter for a few days.  You would look at that shopping bag and think to yourself, "Oh yeah, I've got to find a place to put that!  So it sits.  You begin to resent that stupid bag.  It eventually gets shoved somewhere as you get in a frenzy to clean off your kitchen counter, because people were coming over.  You will discover it next Spring at the bottom of your coat closet.  Or in that dark corner of the bookshelf.  Or behind the piano.  Or in the bottom of the toy bin that contains all of the crappy broken toys. 

It is time to engage in a new mental game when you go shopping. 

1.  Use the buddy system.  Preferably not the buddy that would say, "Oh!! That looks absolutely adorable on you!!!"  Use the buddy that is the other side of the marital equation.  The one that you balance the checkbook with.  Each purchase over a predefined $$ amount should have joint approval.

2.  MAKE A SHOPPING LIST.  I have two separate shopping lists - an itemized, aisle-by-aisle grocery store list for the store I always go to, and an itemized list for Target grouped by category.  I fill out each list in detail before I even leave the house.  I even have a subtotal in mind before I go.  I have already justified the purchase of everything because I know we need it.  I am not guessing that we are low on flour or sugar - I know we are.

3.  Don't take the kids unless they are an asset to the mission (ex - they keep the running total on the calculator or they fetch products from the shelves as you go).  If you are sucker for peer pressure, you will be thwarted on each and every shopping trip.  You also don't want the baby's first coherent sentence to be "It's not in the budget!". (Then again, maybe you do...)

4.  Have a plan for how you will use the object you so desire.  New set of mixing bowls?  Where exactly will you store them?  Are they replacing your old set?  (You had better be saying 'yes').  How often will you use them?  Can they take heavy use?  Can you put every kind of ingredient in them?  (you don't want to mix anything tomato-based in a metal bowl)  Do you really need 10 different sizes or can you get by with five?  Is the largest size really going to be able to handle the big jobs like the monster-sized pasta salad recipe your aunt gave you?  Can you multipurpose the mixing bowls to be used as serving bowls as well?

5.  Use FIFO.  First In First Out.  If you are buying new socks, out with the old.  If you are buying new jeans when you have four pairs at home, give away the oldest or oddest-fitting pair.  Don't bring in something new without getting rid of something else.  This especially goes for toys!!!

6.  Justify it, justify it, justify it.  Do you REALLY need this item?  Do you really need the latest book hot-off-the-press when you have at least 10 unread novels currently sitting on your bedside table, and four others checked out from the library?  (of this offense I am guilty, guilty, guilty)  Do you really need another coat when you have six in the closet already?  Do you really need that trip to Sonic when you could spend a fourth of the money and make due with a carton of ice cream, milk, ice and a blender?

I had to really work hard on this lesson a couple of weeks ago when I went to Barnes and Noble to use my $25 birthday gift card.  Twenty-five is enough to buy about two books.  I had the whole store to explore and no kids - what a gift!  I kept reminding myself about 'need' vs. 'want'.  I had to ask myself several questions:

* would I read it more than once in the next two years?

* is it something I would absolutely want my own copy of?

* is it available from the library?

* how long have I wanted to read it?

I finally chose my two books: The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan, and The Elements of Cooking by Michael Ruhlman.  I have wanted both for a long, long time.  They will now join the ten as-of-yet-unread novels sitting on my bedside table.  At least they are in good company.