How to reign in the desire to pile on the presents



It is so easy to go a little nuts when the holidays roll around... you pick up something here... you pick up something there.. and then you forget about half the stuff you bought already... and you forget the stuff you ordered online... you go into a store and see the toy display and change your whole game plan...

Sigh.

I don't remember how it came up in conversation, but a few years ago I got some advice from a fellow home schooling mom, Gail, about how to pare down the gifts and set the expectations to a more realistic level.  I've changed up the list somewhat to suit our kid's needs, but the premise remains the same.

Why was change necessary?



In years past, the kids have been spoiled.  Rotten.

You feel, as a parent, that if you don't have a humongous pile of presents for your children under the Christmas tree by Christmas Eve, you have failed.  Your children will hate you.  For years to come, they will sit on the couch in their therapist's office and lament at how stingy you were.

It's society's fault.  The commercials you see on T.V.  The displays in the stores.  The magazines and the websites.  They all show a disgusting amount of money being spent - all for a few moments of Hallmark Moment glory, before it disintegrates into "Where in the hell are we going to put all of this stuff??"  or "PUT AWAY YOUR @^#&$*% TOYS!!!"  All the while, your children are looking at you, completely bewildered, because they don't know exactly 'where' anything else can fit into the playroom.

So.  YES.  change was necessary.

Gail's list was simple, formulaic, and actually ingenious - because it took the craziness out of the season and gave you a concrete structure to go on.  Here is my version of the wish list that I go by...

Before Christmas...

1. An ornament.  Every child gets an ornament from us each year.  This is a family tradition that I grew up with, and I wanted to do it for my kids.  I keep a record of all the ornaments they either receive or make each year, so that they know when they got stuff.  When the time comes for them to leave home, they can take their ornaments and memories with them.  Makes me sad, but that is what I got to do at that age - and I love that I have all of those ornaments still on my tree, every Christmas.  The ornament, if possible, ties into what has captured the child's interest in the past year - a favorite character, activity, color, ect...  I do tend to splurge on this item.. in the past couple of years it has come from the Hallmark store (because, as a kid, mine did too...)  BUT.  Now that we are shopping for four - that means an easy $60 is dropped right there.  Ouch.

2. Advent goodies.  In the past I had three different Advent things that we do - this year we will have four, so each child takes a turn doing something different.  One is a felt calendar of a Christmas tree that has star-shaped buttons that mini-ornaments hang from.  The kids rotate turns hanging another ornament each day.  Another calendar is a wooden gingerbread house with numbered advent doors.  There is enough room to stuff four little chocolate candies in each compartment, or every few days or so I will put in dollar coins (I only fill the compartment early in the morning of the day of..).  The third is an advent candle that has the numbered days going down it - light it each day.  The final one is one I will start this year, if I can... - the Lego advent calendar.  I missed it last year because I hesitated and they sold out... not this year!!  Another advent thing to do is to use those little gauzy bags that you use at weddings or showers to put party favors in.  You can buy packages of them at craft stores for pretty cheap.  You fill up 24 bags with little trinkets, small toys, hair stuff or fun jewelry, coins or candy and then place them in a open-lid gift box.  Take out a bag a day.  My SIL did that for the kids about three years ago, and it was a BIG hit with the kids.  Another friend, Amanda, wraps up the family collection of Christmas story books every year, and each night, the kids take turns choosing one to unwrap and read.  No purchase necessary - except for the wrapping paper, which you can snag during end-of-season sales.

Christmas Eve..

• A new pair of pjs

Christmas Morning..

 (wrapped and under the tree)

• A book
• A game (sometimes this is a combined family gift)
• A toy
• A new outfit
• Something for art or crafting (model kit, paints, clay, playdoh)

(In the stocking)

• socks
• toothbrush and toothpaste
• nail polish, lip balm or hair accessories for Rylan
• body wash for Jordan
• Matchbox cars for Owen and Colin
• Candy
• DVD movie (if good deals are to be had...)

(From Santa)

• The one item they asked (begged) for the most, as long as the price is within reason

So... the list is set, and only ONE item per child per category is purchased.  I have, in the past, gone overboard stuffing the stockings with this and that and the other... the expense just goes through the roof.  I know exactly what I need and I make the best choices I can in each category - balancing needs vs. wants.  The biggest 'wow' factor is reserved for the Santa gift... leaving the magic exactly where it belongs.

Get out of the rut!



It's no secret that we are on a tight budget (especially since I've blabbed on and on about it on the www and even dedicated an entire blog to it...).  So it has become routine for family members to fill me in when this or that store is having a sale.  A big one came up recently, when my SIL called to say that Sears was putting a lot of their Land's End stuff on clearance. (thanks for thinking of me Michelle!)  I love Land's End!  I started doing calculations in my head.  Some of our clothing needs are critical... Jordan didn't get a new wardrobe last fall because everything still fit... now he has had a growth spurt and we are in trouble.  Same with Rylan.  The shirts still fit for the most part, but her pants are an issue.  And she has no winter coat.  And Jordan only has two pair of shoes: crocs and hiking boots.  That is a problem.   Thank goodness that Owen and Colin are just swimming in clothes - many, many thanks to some wonderful friends (Amanda and Dalliss) who have been frequently passing on clothing, coats and hiking boots to me - you are a godsend!!)

So I am doing the calculations: our needs are great.  But the money... hmm.  We sat down a month ago and planned out the next three paychecks.  We are really getting the swing of working the cashflow down to the penny.  Unplanned Halloween expenses (mainly food) threw a nasty twist into the budget, so I know there is no wiggle room.  We had set aside $100 from that cash flow to tackle the three biggest clothing concerns: a winter coat for Rylan, tennis shoes for Jordan and a pair of pants for Jordan.  When we plan out this month's two paychecks tonight at our budget meeting, we can see when we can put some more money aside for clothing.   

In the past, when I got wind of a big sale, I would just yank out the credit card in a flash and reap the rewards.  The savings!  The big haul!  LOOK at how much stuff we got for just $XX!!  Yes, I have taken advantage of many deals in the past.  And now the credit card company is taking advantage of my inability to show restraint.  To the tune of $460 a month in interest.

We went to our last Financial Peace University class last week.  We jumped in on the third class, so it has been ten weeks of some pretty intense learning.  I am sad the class is done.  It felt like a support group... like an AA meeting or something.  We could all commiserate about having to live on a budget.  I feel a little worried about not having the weekly support anymore, and that it might be easy to slip into some old habits.  The class is thirteen weeks for a reason: it takes that long to establish a habit.  We have gotten into the habit of not even considering the credit cards as an option.  If it is not on the budget sheet, we don't buy it.  I didn't budget extra money for clothes, therefore I did not go down to Sears to check out the sale.  I felt bad, but I didn't go because if I had spent that money, it would have meant that something else couldn't be purchased.  When the cash is gone, it's gone.  It is amazing though, how deeply entrenched that habit of using the credit card is.  That neural pathway of using the card as a way to acquire goods has been trodden down.  Much like the Oregon Trail.  You can still see the wagon wheel ruts.  The credit card ruts will remain for a long, long time.  Probably as long as it will take to pay off the stupid things.

CHEETAH! Ruuuuuuuuuuun!

If you know of Dave Ramsey...you know what I just said.

If you don't know of Dave Ramsey - get to know him.

TODAY



"Owe no one anything except to love one another." - Romans 13:8

Last week my mom gave me the second-most precious gift in my life.  (The first of course being my life). That may sound dramatic, but you will understand what I mean in a moment.  Mom offered to watch the kids if Dean and I wanted to go down to our church and sit in on a session of Financial Peace University.  I didn't even hesitate.

We may not be the most regular (ahem) of church-goers, but we have heard of Dave Ramsey.  I have seen his name mentioned in blog after blog - glowing reviews about how his financial advice turned their lives around and gave them their freedom from debt.   I skirted around investigating his ideas, but I always shied away because I feared that this was one of 'those' programs... 'Jesus said to do this', 'Jesus said to do that', 'Salavation cannot be yours if you are in debt...' 'You must tithe your first-born to get right with God'... okay, okay, I know I am being facetious, but when the social media-driven Christian Conservative message pendulum swings so far to the right (at times), you can't help but feel alienated and...well, like a loser if you just don't feel the same.  This isn't a religion/spiritual blog, but isn't it funny (ridiculous?) how religion and finances (and politics too, for that matter) get all tangled up with each other?

I am happy to report that it is not one of those programs.  He is funny.  He mentions God.  He mentions Bible passages.  Yet - it is the kind of message I understand and feel at home listening too.  I wish he were a minister as well - I would go every Sunday.  (Now that is saying something)  The Bible passages are advice from the ages that still rings true today.  Here is the most pertinent...

"The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender." - Proverbs 22:7

Okay - I need to breathe for a moment because I have just quoted the Bible.  Twice.  Not my style, but you have to understand where I have been, and where I want to go...

Where I have been:

How old were you when you got your first credit card?  I opened my checking account when I was 16.  I don't recall exactly when I got my Visa bankcard, but I am guessing it was around 18.  I knew a little bit about credit - some from tidbits shared by different teachers in high school, and some from my parents, and some from my friends.  Guess whose advice was the worst?  Guess who I listened too?  At my Visa card's website, I can see every transaction since 2001.  I have shredded the statements that go beyond seven years, but I can still go and visit with my stupidity any time I want.  I can revel in all that I am still paying for.  Wedding flowers ($600) for my first wedding.  A painting on my wall for my 30th birthday ($300).  A honeymoon in Mexico ($2500).  Emergency surgery for the stupid cat that ate a pin ($1,000).

DEBT IS STUPID

Every few months my credit card company was so kind as to raise my limit.  How nice of them.  My limit is currently at $18,300.  I owe $18,170.  Did I mention that I, myself, am not employed?  I don't put stupid stuff on my card.  My card's purpose for us, for the past three years, is to make up for the extra days left of the pay period, when there are more days than money.  We gotta eat.  We gotta get gas.  Yet the stupid comes from not having a plan when we get the paycheck in the first place.  If you don't rule your money, it will rule you.  We would always marvel at how the entire check would disappear in a matter of 24 hours after receiving it.  (Bills!  I swear!)  Then we had 13 more days to figure out how to survive until the next one came.  Debt currently acquires 45% of the monthly take-home pay.  That is utter stupidity and it is no way to live a life.  I don't want to serve this master anymore.  You can't imagine the stress it places on our lives.  I won't say that our marriage is stressed - thankfully we are both on the same page - we just never knew how to break the cycle.  Until now.

We expect that it will take around 36 months to work our debt snowball. 

Total credit card debt $27,000

Student Loan $5,000

Second Mortgage $27,000

Car $16,000

401-K loans $4,000

Personal loan $15,000 (?)

These numbers piss me off.  I haven't looked at it quite this way.  Ever.  I was afraid to.  We aren't extravagant people.  We just made a lot of little mistakes along the way - and they have added up into pretty big and nasty numbers.  We married the wrong people the first time around.  Funny how you have to take a financial hit to get out of a marriage.  The second mortgage you see up there?  I took it out two months after my first husband left me.  I had to pay my parents off for our wedding expenses ($12,000).  I had to pay him his share of the home equity (minus his half of the wedding expenses), so the house would become mine alone ($14,000).  Had I known then what I found out about him later, I would have sued the bastard for adultery and he would have paid ME!  Instead, I get the insulting luxury of continuing to pay this debt month after month (which has only gone down by $1,000 in seven years), while he blew his windfall on a new pick-up truck.  Jerk.

See?  Debt just eats away at your soul.  The student loan for the degree for the career that I don't have.  Stupid.  The personal loan to pay the lawyer to get custody of the child.  Not stupid, just heart-wrenching.

You may ask (I know my mother does) why are you putting such personal stuff on your blog?  Because I am mad.  Because I want my life to change.  Because a lot of my personal hurts are tied up with all of the bullshit I just talked about.  I won't heal unless we deal with this mess - and it helps to write out my hurts.  Because we won't move forward and be able to provide our children with the experiences they should have when we are scrounging for loose change every month.  Because I know it will make a difference for us, and I hope that the experiences that I share will help others.  Maybe you?

"Deliver yourself like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter, and like a bird from the hand of the fowler."

-Proverbs 6:5

You are the gazelle, running for your life.  The cheetah represents debt.  It will hunt you down.  It will follow you all the days of your life - if you let it.  Run like a gazelle!  RUN!  Focus with all your energy and might to get away.  Focus on ridding yourself of the chains of debt.  All good things are possible when you believe it.  Prayer helps too.  I may have to rethink my personal position on that one...

I'm at the end of my rope..

Money has been on my mind a lot lately.  I don't know how it can't be... I have hungry children to feed and narry a dime to feed them with.  I'm not kidding.

We are currently running alongside a cliff, the edge of financial doom, slipping on the loose gravel.  I have lived the life of paycheck-to-paycheck for so long now, I don't really know how financial security is supposed to feel.  What is really scary though, is when you drag your dependants along with you.

I am frustrated enough, tired enough and scared enough that it is time to make some pretty radical changes to how we handle money.  My husband is too.  Of course we have been saying that ever since we got married, but it gets scarier every time we go through a mini-financial crisis.

Our current debt crisis began building about several months ago.  I liken it to the ripple-effect, and I blame the boy scouts.  And karate.  And oh yeah - swimming lessons.  And four children's birthdays.  I blame the boy scouts because of the sheer amount of gear that we have needed to procure in the past six months.  The karate and swimming lessons because they didn't ask me to run numbers and see if the monthly fees actually fit within our budget.  They are supposed to remind you to do that, don't you know?  And four birthdays.  Four very expensive birthdays.  Two in February and two in May.  All of it paid for by a buy-it-now, figure-out-how-to-pay-for-it later kind of thing.  Problem is, there is no more room at the end of the rope, now.  We have never used up all of our rope before.   Scary business.